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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23257714">i won't hold on (no longer)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeongallin/pseuds/livinct'>livinct (jeongallin)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>i wish that you treated me bad (truth is, you couldn't have been better) [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Romance, Canon Compliant, Hopeful Ending, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan &amp; Mark Lee Are Best Friends, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Sad Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Sad with a Happy Ending, Short One Shot, Songfic, Teen Angst, Unrequited Love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 05:54:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,494</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23257714</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeongallin/pseuds/livinct</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>my impatient and hasty confession might complicate everything.<br/>but despite that i can wait no longer. <br/>right now, i want to run to you.</p><p>short one shot based off nct recording diaries where haechan went off and like damn who hurt him??</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>i wish that you treated me bad (truth is, you couldn't have been better) [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1670959</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>113</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i won't hold on (no longer)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this is a very short concept based off a small snippet of the nct recording diaries https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85NCvimz-R4 you have to watch it before reading this because holy shit who hurt lee haechan.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After listening to the guide track for <em>No Longer, </em>Haechan sat on the bathroom floor. His white and gentle hands covered a red hot burning face stained with tears as he sat on the freezing floor, against the marble sink. His knees pulled up to his chest and there were no loud sobs or whines, just soft whimpers and an occasional sniff. An inviting bundle of brown hair that has flown every which way rested on the crown of his head, waiting for a certain someone to curl his fingers into it and kiss him on the forehead. Mark listened to Haechan’s heart breaking from behind the thin bathroom wall, but in fear of putting it together, he didn’t open the door. It was embarrassing for Haechan, to be this weak and fragile at the hands of a song and it’s lyrics. But being in love with‌ your best friend was embarrassing anyways.</p><p>Loving Mark Lee was hard, it was an upside down roller coaster filled with sweet and cunning traps, and sometimes Haechan would fly off the track completely. Mark knew he was breaking Haechan down into pieces, and yet, there was nothing he could do.‌ The worst thing he could do was to put his heart back together in order to break it again, only twice as bad. Haechan and Mark had no idea when they decided to implement the “don’t ask don’t‌ tell” policy on their relationship. Perhaps it was somewhere in between ages 14 and 15, when they realized that their hugs were too long to be platonic, and innocent kisses on the cheek were no longer filled with curiousity, but became a reassurance. He doesn’t know why Mark pulled away, but it was gradual.</p><p><em>What could even happen if we continued like that, though? Would Mark Lee give me a loving kiss on the forehead at night? Or would he call me Duckie and bury me in his arms? Drifting apart was imminent.</em> Haechan thinks. Mark will still pat his thigh or back for encouragment, but intimacy was buried deep between the two. It was easy for Mark to hide those mannerisms, but Haechan couldn’t let go. Maybe he was too young and dependent at the time. Mark was his protection from everything evil and he was the bringer of everything good, he was an angel. Haechan didn’t know a world without Mark Lee’s hand tightly holding onto his. If he let go, would everything collapse?</p><p>-</p><p>Haechan is sitting in the recording studio waiting room, earbuds hanging from the neck of his t-shirt. <em>Aren’t these lyrics a little to perfect to the situation? </em>He thinks to himself, smiling at the irony.</p><p><em>“</em>Haechan, it’s your turn after Doyoung” The dark blue haired young woman has opened the waiting room door slightly, peeking in. “You should warm up some more.” </p><p>“Yeah I will, thank you.” The staff closes the door, leaving Haechan and Jungwoo in the room alone. Jungwoo has finished his parts, and is waiting to go home.</p><p>Haechan’s mind is calm. Mark is going to be the one monitoring him when he goes inside, and even though Mark had ripped his heart to pieces, Haechan always performs better when he knows Mark Lee is watching him. Maybe a part of Haechan thinks if he dances a little harder or hits a higher note, Mark will reconsider loving him back. It’s not true, Haechan could be the best singer of the century, and yet Mark can’t love him.</p><p>About 20 minutes pass by and Doyoung comes out, asking Jungwoo to walk back to the dorms with him. Haechan peeks through the recording studio door, similar to how the staff checked on him earlier. A familiar black-haired boy sits on the couch of the studio, fumbling with a recording camera. He doesn’t look up, he knows that Haechan will be the one looking back down on him.</p><p>“Do you know how to turn this on?” He asks.</p><p>“You seriously don’t know?” Haechan leans down to press a few buttons on the camera, as well as making sure it’s in focus before standing back up. “Hyung, I don’t think the T in NCT‌ can stand for technology if you don’t even know how to turn on a camera.” Mark laughs and tells Haechan to get lost, and he retreats into the recording booth. Haechan takes a deep breath, preparing himself for the next 30 minutes or so, and then hangs the headphones over his head.</p><p>Mark is watching him through the blurred glass as he raises up the camera to focus on him. Haechan smiles briefly and decides to focus reading the notes and lyrics in front of him on the stand. He adjusts the mic to his height as he mumbles the notes to himself. <em>More emotion</em>. Jungwoo had scribbled on his section. A heart drawn in a different ink surrounded it, and Haechan assumes it was either Doyoung or Jaehyun. Another note in Taeil's writing says <em>Haechan, you can do it!</em></p><p>“Are you ready?‌ Let’s just start with a run of the first verses to get you warmed up.” The music flips on, and Haechan begins to sing, mentally allowing himself to make mistakes, knowing it is the first run. </p><p>
  <em>silently, you melt in between the season</em>
</p><p>
  <em>don’t take a break, instead just stay here. </em>
</p><p>Mark Lee wasn’t someone who he could hide from. Every day of each season, Haechan found himself stuck to his hip, unable to attach even if he tried. And oh god did he try. But every good and fortunate thing that happend to Haechan, the only person he wanted to tell was Mark. When things were down, or Haechan was upset, it pained him more that he wanted to cry to Mark. He closes his eyes, focused on the tone of his voice. It’s not sounding like the way he was practicing. His voice has suddenly added a roughness, to his usual smooth and sweet vocals. Taking a shaky breath, he continues to the next line.</p><p>
  <em>she no longer needs me </em>
</p><p>
  <em>the more i want you, my reality is being weighed down.</em>
</p><p>Haechan tried endlessly to change Mark’s mind. He would linger around Mark after schedules ended, he would treat him out to dinners and offer to pay, he would hug and nag at the same time. When that didn’t work, he tried to let Mark dote on him instead, he tried to listen well and be the younger brother everyone wanted. Mark would often have with a charismatic retort, and turn the other cheek.</p><p>
  <em>my impatient and hasty confession might complicate everything.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>but despite that i can wait no longer. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>right now, i want to run to you.</em>
</p><p>He often wondered if he just confessed, would it be that bad? If Haechan curled into Mark’s chest and wrapped his arms around his torso, would the world turn upside down and spit them both out the other end? He knows the answer is yes, and yet he still enjoys fantisizing. Maybe if he confessed Mark would suddenly realize his undying love for him and they could live happily together forever. <em><br/></em></p><p>
  <em>all my moments want you in them</em>
</p><p>
  <em>so the world keeps me one step away from you</em>
</p><p>No matter how close Haechan pushes his body against Mark’s at night, or how many kisses have faltered and fallen to the ground in between their feet, Mark will be miles ahead of him. Mark runs at full speed to wherever he wants to end up, Haechan can only see the back of his head on those days. He wants to up and run after Mark, but Mark will keep on running, never slowing down, not even for Haechan.<em><br/></em></p><p>
  <em>but why are my tears falling only now?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>i love you, i love you with all my heart</em>
</p><p>“Lee Haechan who hurt you? That run was nearly perfect! So much emotion, not a single note was flat.” The intercom beeps quietly, allowing the director to bring Haechan back to reality. “Was that really just the practice?”</p><p>“Ah, thank you…” He replies with blushing cheeks. He looks up briefly, making eye contact with Mark through the smudged and blurry glass. His eyes are sparkling, but not widened by surprise as the others in the room are, he knows the extent of Haechan’s voice and talent. His gray hoodie is pulled up over his brown hair, holding the camera. The ends of his lips are slightly upturned, but a saddens radiates around him that pulls his lips back down as he turns back to hide his face behind the camera. Mark didn’t hurt him, Haechan only hurt himself by attaching to him when Haechan knew better. </p><p>
  <em>Haechan didn’t know a world without Mark Lee’s hand tightly holding onto his.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>If he let go, will everything collapse? </em>
</p><p>The world didn’t collapse, the sun kept shining and the world still spun.</p><p>In fact, when Haechan let go, he started shining brighter than ever.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>if you enjoyed, leave a kudos!  this is my second fanfic ever written so leave a comment if you want me to make this a longer fic...</p></blockquote></div></div>
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